Adventures In Parodyverse: Touring The Mansion, Part 2

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Touring The Mansion, Part 1

Adventures In Parodyverse - Touring The Mansion Part 2

    "Wow," Lara Night commented upon her arrival at the Paradopolis Library with Hatman and CrazySugarFreakBoy!. There was a twenty foot tall gaping hole where the doors and front windows used to be, and wires and fragments of building structure dangled through the opening. "What do you suppose did that?"

    "One of those," CSFB! said as he pointed down the street. Standing almost twenty feet tall in Off-Central Park was a dark blue painted very basic Mech with two pincers mounted on arms and two feet, and a plastic dome on top containing a driver. "ConEd hat?" he asked Hatman.

    Hatman shook his head. "See the smoke? It's powered by a diesel engine, not electricity."

    "And it has missiles," CSFB! added as he pointed to the objects mounted below the arms of the mechanical monster.

    "Steelers." Hatman pulled out the appropriate cap. "Maybe I can break it. If not at least it can't kill me so easy."

    "And I can use silly string to trip it like the Ewoks did to the walkers in--" CSFB! began.

    "Please, no Star Wars," Hatman protested.

    "Can either of you open the plastic dome?" Lara asked.

    Both of them looked at her questioningly.

    "If you can open it," she said, "even for a second...I can shock him into unconsciousness. Even at range."

    "Why not just attack the Mech with electricity then?" CSFB! asked.

    "It's probably grounded well, like a car," Hatman explained. "It will never reach the driver."

    "But I can distract him with such an attack." Lara smiled as she suggested that. "And you two can board the thing and open the door for me."

    "How will you protect yourself? What if he fires a missile at you?" Hatman asked.

    "I can project energy and repel it. Like a force field," she told him.

    Hatman shook his head. "Hasn't been tested. I'm sorry, I can't put you at that kind of risk."

    "Fine," Lara changed her mind. "You put on the Steelers cap and distract the driver and CSFB! and I will board the mech and shut it down."

    "Great idea!" CSFB! gushed. He produced a can of silly string.

    "Okay, okay." Hatman rolled his eyes. "But be ready to run away if it doesn't work. Especially you, Lara, cause I don't want you to be hurt."

    "Yeah, whatever," Lara rolled her eyes as she watched Hatman quickly slip a Steelers hat on his head...and his skin quickly turned a solid silvery metal color. He still could move, but as he did a crinkling tin noise was heard.

    "Don't you wonder what would happen if someone put a condom on his head?" CSFB! asked Lara.

    Hatman turned to glare at the two of them as Lara snickered but tried not to laugh.

    "Uh...guys." CSFB! didn't comment further, but his outstretched arm and pointed finger indicated what he meant to say...that the driver of the mech had just noticed them and had raised one mech arm, aiming the missiles directly at them.

    "On it!" Hatman called out as he lunged forward to try and provide a target away from the others. It didn't work...two of the missiles fired at the steel Hatman, but he was still too close to Lara and CSFB!

    Lara's eyes widened as the missiles fired. She cursed but nobody heard exactly what she said before she raised her arms in self defense...and the explosion of the two missiles was somehow aimed away from the three of them. When the smoke cleared, the mech was conveniently lying on its back.

    "Lesson number one!" CSFB! announced as he approached the mech and tried prying open the glass dome, "Never fire missiles when you're really close!"

    "Dream!" Lara called out. But it was much too late - he didn't register his name being called by her until after one of the mech's two pincers snatched CSFB! and raised him skyward.

    "Open the dome!" Lara worried as Hatman raced toward the mech. He was swatted aside by the other mech arm, but got right back up to attack again.

    "Okay," Lara said. "Now I'm getting angry." She approached, and the arm took a swipe, but as it got close it suddenly found itself without any fine motor control and fell to the ground. She hopped on top of the mech and pried at the dome, but it didn't budge. "Open up!" She pounded on the clear plastic.

    Of course the driver didn't comply...but he was forced to a moment later when Hatman punched the metal lock with his steel hand, forcing it to release...and the dome popped open.

    The inside of the dome resembled one of those plasma light sculptures for a moment as Lara took her chance to render the driver unconscious before he had a chance to try to harm CSFB!, who was still in the grip of one of the pincers.

    Once the driver was out cold Hatman switched to a construction hat and immediately found the hydraulics switch. He shut it off and CSFB! dropped to the ground safely. And then he turned his attention to Lara. "This is why I didn't want you to come along, Lara. You're not experienced at this. You let your feelings get in the way. You're prone to allowing panic and anger drive your actions."

    "Well she's learning with the best." CSFB! put one arm across Hatman's shoulders and the other around Lara. "She just needs some time."

    "I know I'm not experienced," Lara told him. "But I tried, didn't I? And that's more than a lot of people in this world would do."

    "She has a point," CSFB! added.

    Hatman sighed. "Okay. But you still have a lot to learn, Lara. I don't want to see you get into trouble because of that."

    She nodded. "I promise I won't take any really crazy risks when I hang out with you and Dream."

    "That's all I can ask." Hat looked at the fallen man and the mech. "We can leave him here but we can't leave the mech. That would be like leaving an Abrahms tank behind after arresting the driver. Someone will get hurt."

    "Can we ask EEE to transport it?" CSFB! asked.

    "It would take too long." Hatman glanced across the park, noting that the police had arrived. He tapped the construction had he wore. "It looks like the cockpit design was based on a construction backhoe. I think I can drive it back to the Lair Mansion."

    "What's he going to do with it there?" Lara asked CSFB! in a whisper.

    The Wired Wonder shrugged. "Mow the lawn? Clean the gutters?"

    "I'm going to let Enty disassemble it," Hatman explained. He climbed in and straightened his construction hard-hat, and a minute later he had the mech on its feet again.

    "Looks like it's designed to seat one," CSFB! said. "Let's squeeze in with him."

    "Dream!" Hatman groaned as CSFB! climbed over him and sat on a platform behind the driver's seat, his back against the metal wall of the cockpit.

    "C'mon, Lara, there's still room," CSFB! urged.

    "...maybe I should take a cab," Lara hesitated.

    "No! C'mon, get in." Dream offered Lara a hand, urging her to climb up before pulling her into the cockpit as well.

    "There's no room in here," Lara complained. She had one knee placed painfully across Hatman's lap, both of her hands propped against the open plastic dome, and was trying to survey some space to either side. She found that both sides were cocooned with various controls for the mech. "I don't want to sit on one of these panels and fire a missile by accident."

    "Here." CSFB! quickly snatched Lara around the waist and lifted her around the driver's seat...and sat her partially on his lap, her legs dangling over the arm rests for the driver's seat.

    "Hey!" she protested, but finally relaxed a moment later as Hatman slammed the dome door shut and began powering up the mech. "Just...don't touch anything, please. And I'm not talking about the mech."

    "Can I at least hold on to you?" CSFB! asked. "Cause you don't have a seatbelt, and when this thing starts moving--"

    "Okay, yes, you can hold on to me," Lara told him, just as the mech began walking, and she felt uneasy at nearly being thrown into the front seat. She felt uncomfortable being held around the waist, but it wasn't a worse fate than being tossed into the front dome window face first.

    "You okay back there?" Hatman turned around to look. He smiled at the amusing scene. "You have nice legs, even in jeans," he said.

    "Thanks!" CSFB! replied.

    "I meant--" Hatman shook his head as Lara began laughing too. "Oh, never mind."

---

    Getting out of the giant mech proved to be more difficult than getting in, once they arrived in a tree covered corner of the Lair Mansion property. The problem was, climbing in didn't have the added perceived danger of tripping over something in the complex cockpit and falling fifteen feet to the ground below, head first.

    Hatman climbed out of the driver's seat first. Being that it was the only legitimate seat in the rig it was fairly easy for him to do so. CSFB! and Lara just seemed confused about how they were supposed to exit and in what order.

    "Here." Hatman offered a hand to Lara. She took it gently and gripped his hand tightly as he led her from his seat to a ledge just where the plastic dome was seated when closed. From there she could easily climb down.

    "Thank you," she said.

    "No problem, babe," Hatman replied quickly. Before he had a chance to say anything else Lara snatched the construction hard-hat off his head.

    "You've been wearing this too long," she explained.

    He shrugged. "Sorry." Hatman smiled sheepishly as he playfully put the hard-hat on Lara's head. "Here, you keep an eye on it." He watched her as she began climbing down.

    "What about poor me?" CSFB! mock whined. "I need to be rescued by Hatman too."

    "Shut up," Hatman mumbled. He was further annoyed that CSFB! was mocking him double because he didn't actually need assistance - he just bounded out of the seat and down the side of the mech, passing Lara on the way.

    "I bet this violates so many zoning regulations," Lara joked as she stood on the ground and looked up at the huge mech standing on Lair Legion property.

    CSFB! laughed. "Get Hatty here a city solicitor hat and he'll tell you just how many." He thought for a moment and then added, "Or we could just ask Lisa, I guess. So want to celebrate our victory with sex?"

    Lara was dizzied for a moment by the many changes of subject CSFB! went through all in one sentence. Once she put it together she finally replied, "Don't you have a girlfriend? April...?"

    "Alice Apple," Jay finished helpfully. "Yes, he does have one."

    "Wouldn't she be kind of upset if you cheat on her with me?" Lara asked.

    "Oh, no," Jay mumbled as he shook his head. "Here we go."

    "Cheat?" Dream laughed out loud. "Noooo...she knows all about it."

    "What?" Lara was left confused again.

    "Five...four...three..." Jay counted to himself.

    "See, Alice and me were getting a little bored so...we've been looking for someone to join is. Three people can be a lot more more fun than two. Don't be afraid though...we won't do anything too weird. And you'll be surprised at how well April can kiss."

    Jay was stunned into silence, and felt unsure of just which part of Dream's last phrase was most offensive. He looked at Lara...and realized that the blonde was kind stunned too, but seemed to remain calm enough.

    "I'm not into that," Lara replied quickly. "I believe inviting someone to be a part of a threesome is just a covert way to cheat on them."

    This time Jay seemed momentarily amused, at Lara's clever yet diplomatic scolding of Dream. He was trying hard not to smile.

    "Fine." Dream rolled his eyes. "If you prefer living in a narrow-minded little world and are too afraid to try anything new...it's your choice."

    Lara laughed at that. "So you think you'll say I'm 'afraid' and I'll do it just to prove you wrong?" She shook her head slowly. "I'm not so easily manipulated."

    Dream shrugged. "You know what? I'm disappointed but--" He smiled. "I like smart girls. I kinda like you even more now."

    Jay exhaled loudly all of a sudden. "For a moment there I was afraid the two of you wouldn't get along anymore."

---

    Their work was far from over, even as they returned to the Lair Mansion. A giant mech couldn't exactly be stored or made to disappear, so it had to be either secured until a government agency could collect it, or it had to be dissembled. Or so was the topic of a meeting in Sir Mumphrey's office.

    Lara Night seemed bored at the meeting, she was leaned back in one of Mumphrey's plush office chairs, her arms spread over the top of the chair's armrests. Jay was sitting up perfectly straight, giving Mumph his full attention. Dream leaned to one side, ignoring what was said, staring at Lara.

    "And what of the young lady's performance?" Sir Mumphrey asked suddenly. It was the first question which punched through Lara's daydreaming and was heard clearly.

    "She's very cooperative," Jay replied. "I consider that a big plus."

    "And very hot," Dream mumbled to no one in particular.

    "Right." Mumphrey quickly dismissed Dream's reply. "Did she place anyone's life in jeopardy at any time?"

    "No," Jay answered as he turned and looked directly at Lara, who smiled. "I can't say she did."

    "I suppose I can approve of you working with her from time to time." Sir Mumphrey looked at Lara too. "Do you have anything to say, young lady?"

    Lara suddenly snapped back to reality. "Umm...thanks?" She frowned when Dream gasped suddenly. She thought it had something to do with her until she realized he was looking out the window at something.

    "The mech is moving again!" he announced.

    "What?" Jay stood quickly. "But it was diesel powered. And it required a driver."

    "I guess you missed the autopilot, genius," Dream taunted him. He looked out the window again as he watched the mech collide with the wall around the grounds. "Looks like it's a recall thing to prevent it from being stolen. It's probably trying to return home."

    "So let it," Lara whispered to no one in particular. "At least that way you can get it off the lawn and find out where it's from." There was a long pause before she looked up and realized that everyone was staring at her. "What?" she asked.

    "I believe you have your plan of action," Sir Mumphrey beamed.

    Lara sat up now. "C'mon, seriously...what?"

    "We're using your idea," Jay told her.

    "What? I was just kidding!" Lara laughed nervously.

    "It's the best idea we have right now," Jay said. "Come on it's moving fast. We have to find a way to follow it."

---

    Lara applauded her own judgement in selecting her method of travel when she realized that CSFB!'s favorite method of fast travel involved bounding great distances like some kind of human slingshot. Tagging along with him would definitely cause her to lose the last three days' worth of meals in short order.

    She tried telling the two of them that she could project energy to propel her airborne, but then Hatman pointed out that would be much too slow. So instead she held onto him tightly, her arms around his neck and over his shoulders, and her legs around his. He wore his Rockets cap and was travelling at speeds a fighter jet might, giving him time to circle above the mech and send warnings to a small Lair Legion crew on the ground of where they needed to clear civilians.

    "Are you okay up there?" he asked once in a while.

    "Fine," Lara replied. "A little cold, but fine."

    "Kind of fun though, isn't it?" Jay risked asking her.

    "Yes," Lara admitted. "Though next time," she added, her voice betraying her smile, "I'll let you be on top."

    "That would be unsafe--" Jay almost reflexively went for a canned reply before realizing the joke. "Oh, I get it. It's funny."

    "Jay, you really need to unwind," Lara told him as she giggled at his reply. "Or am I making you nervous?"

    "It's just the long day getting to me." He finally smiled. "You're not making me nervous. I'm glad it's you tagging along...if it was another LL member it'd probably be a guy. Obviously I enjoy having a girl hanging on to me more."

    "I'm enjoying hanging on you too," Lara answered with a slight laugh. "It's kind of thrilling, really, being so high up trying to get somewhere fast and clinging for dear life."

    "Are you and Visionary making any plans to...you know...get together?" Jay asked. "Just curious," he added.

    "No." She shook her head, which Jay detected through the movement of her shoulders. "Why?"

    He took a deep breath. "I know it sounds stupid but...if you're not too bored by it you seem like someone I'd enjoy just hanging out with"

    "You asked that so delicately," Lara pointed out.

    "I did," he admitted. "I wasn't sure if you would be offended...you know, in case you were interested in me or something."

    "Nah." Lara shrugged slightly. "Friendships are less complicated sometimes anyway."

    Jay laughed. He then pointed down suddenly and started descending. "It's gone into an airplane hangar below." he said. He took a quick look around. "Seems to be a pretty well guarded compound too."

    "Think we should call for backup?" Lara asked.

    "No time," Jay told her. He turned his head toward her slightly as they approached the ground. "Looks like we'll find out just what you're capable of."

TO BE CONTINUED


-- Story written and copyrighted (C) 2005 by Jason Froikin, and may not be
-- reprinted without permission.
-- Lara Night (C) 2005 by Jason Froikin, all rights reserved
-- All other characters property of their respective owners

Post By Anime Jason Sat Jul 09, 2005 at 04:11:00 pm EDT	Subject Adventures In Parodyverse: Touring The Mansion, Part 2

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